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something he’ll never get to read anyway January 16, 2008

Posted by putomaia in Jitters, Private Me.
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this is my first personal blog entry..ever..normally, i don’t write private accounts of my life online..

normally, i keep them hidden in my diaries, which are carefully padlocked beyond existence..sometimes, the accounts stay hidden..sometimes, it never went past my mouth.. most of the time rather..

so this, by default, is a beginning of another milestone for me..i don’t know..maybe my diary is just fed up with being the only one to know..this entry, by the way, is from my diary..

I will always think those sparks were a sign. Or rather, I had always wished those sparks could have been a sign…Now I know they were nothing more than an electrical short circuit.

Honestly, I can’t tell what my real feelings for him are. All I know is that he’s taken almost complete possession of my mind, even almost erasing any memory I had of another guy. That each day, his sight would make me complete, make me fly (IF my weight would allow that).. That the thought of him at night makes me want to laugh and yet cry at the same time..That each love song reminds me how much I want to sing with him..though I don’t really know if he can..or if I can..That his smile, even when directed to someone else, makes me want to forget that I have ever noticed someone else’s..And that his enigma, his faraway looks make me want to forget my problems and run to him..and at the same time, make me want to spite myself for not being the person he thinks about so much, the one he cries for each night..

I might as well be in love..or am I? until now?

I don’t know..It’s not like I’ve never felt that kind of feeling before. It’s not like I didn’t experience getting hurt before for me to want to try love all over again. It’s not like I’m curious.

Au contraire. If anything, I had even decided not to fall in love while in college. I mean, hello, try studying in a bukid like UPMin and you’ll find out it’s easy NOT to fall in love.. hello.. nabibilang lang ang matitino ang kokorte dito..

Then again, the total irony of things, I found him not in school, but at where I live..It’s not like I didn’t try. I tried, I really did, but here comes a guy I barely knew, nor do I particularly want to get to know, who simply make me stop in my tracks and lose my voice somewhere between my trachea and voice box..(if Sir Dennis is reading this, kahit di mataas score koh sa midterm, may natutunan naman ako..hehe)

It’s not din as if he was my type..Actually, he was just the type of guy I would have transported to Alcatraz where he belonged..Nah..He’s too innocent..bubbly face?

I don’t know; I don’t know anything; I don’t know anything anymore..I might as well have been retarded. I sure am beginning to feel like one..

Stupidity takes its toll..

And I’m not prepared for the consequences.

Getting hurt so many times had made me really vulnerable. I couldn’t control my feelings. I couldn’t contain my emoptional highs and my outrageous outbursts. What’s worse is that I developed a higher form of fear, higher than my phobia of insects or my fear of fire. Korni nga, pero nakakatakot pala talagang ma- in love..

Actually, I’ve proven this so many times before: history repeats itself. Falling in love, all over again..And here I am, forgetting the basic rules of grammar just so I could write something actually NOT worth reading to anyone else..but me..so I could pour my heart into something which reveals me to someone whom I know will never get to read this..

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